TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have A different area the place American Adult men can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It's that he need to cease working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You recognize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following Trump Tower Damascus finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have switch-down support."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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